joke of the day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Diabolical Ranger, Apr 10, 2012.

  1. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
    years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
    The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
    Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
    and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
    doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
    The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
    She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
    back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
    the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
    The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
    laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
    bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
    She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
    and I didn't listen to you.
    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
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  3. A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
    Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
    Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
    The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
  4. Here's the best one of all!!!

    A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
    The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
    The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"
    Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
    After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
    The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
    So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, ***y woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
    He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"
    The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"
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  9. Brinker88

    Brinker88 Black sheep o' the family

    Best pickup line: "Whats there to do in this town besides each other?"

    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Nothin runs like a Deere, but then again, nothin smells like a "john"

    I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

    I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

    Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
  10. Brinker88

    Brinker88 Black sheep o' the family

    Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
    A: Dress her up as an alter boy

    Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
    A: Your job still sucks!
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2012
  11. El Camino Man

    El Camino Man Thank The Lord For BBFs!

    All the jokes I know are inappropriate lol
  12. BBLoom

    BBLoom BBLoom

    Guy walks into a bar and sees another patron drinking a beer with an 9" man sitting on the bar playing a scale grand piano next to the patron. The man asks the patron about it and the patron tells the newcommer about the magic cow in the back that will grant any wish. The man rushes out in a dash and goes to see the cow. After a few minutes of pondering what he wants, he finally steps up to the cow and says 'cow..i would very much like a large pile of gold, big enough to live on'. He waits for a few minutes and nothing happens so he comes back in the bar thinking the patron just played a cruel joke on him. As he sits down at the bar, the walls begin to shake and down from the heavens drops a giagantic pile of......mold. The man is confused so the bartender says, 'you ran out of here so fast we didnt have a chance to tell you that the cow was hard of hearing' the parton chimes in sayin, 'you really don't think that I wished for a 9" pianist did you'
  13. Hooligan

    Hooligan Rangerholic!!

    Jokes are fine, but forum rules still apply. Anything racist or bias is prohibited!
  14. BBLoom

    BBLoom BBLoom

    Three construction workers are sitting on top of the building that they are working on, having lunch. The first one opens up his lunchbox and says

    'Damn...another ham sandwich. Every day its a ham sandwich and getting so tired of them! If I get one more ham sandwich for lunch, I will jump of the top of this building and kill myself"

    The second guy opens his lunch box and says,
    'Damn...another burrito. Every day its a burrito and getting so tired of them! If I get one more burrito for lunch, I will jump of the top of this building and kill myself"

    The third guy open his lunch and says,
    'Damn...another fish taco. Every day its a fish taco and getting so tired of them! If I get one more fish taco for lunch, I will jump of the top of this building and kill myself"

    The next day rolls around and the first guy opens his lunch and sees that he has a ham sandwich and exclaims that he has had enough and jumps of the building, taking his life.

    The second guy looks inside, sees a burrito, and jumps off the building too.
    The third guy sees his fish taco and follows suit.

    There is a big funeral for the three men and the wives of the deceased begin to talk. The wife of the first man said
    'If I knew he didnt like ham sandwiches, I would have made him something different, he just never told me!'
    The wife of the second women sobbed
    'If I only just knew he didnt like burritos, I would have had no problem making him something else, he just never told me!'
    The wife of the third man said with kind of a disgust,
    'I dont know why my husband jumped, he makes his own lunch!!'
  15. BBLoom

    BBLoom BBLoom

    Man and a women just tie the knot and are taking their carriage pulled by a team of horses home. One of the old horses pulling the carriage stumbled. The farmer stoicly said nothing but
    'Thats one'
    Further on down the road, the old horse stumbles again.
    'Thats two' says the farmer
    The poor old horse just couldn't keep up as later on down the road, the horse stumbled for a third time. Without a word or a second thought, the farmer reached under his seat, grabbed the shotgun, and shot the horse dead.
    His new bride had a look of terror and sadness on her face as she exclaimed
    'That is so cruel! The horse was old but I do not think that it deserved to die!'
    The farmer calmly turned to her and said
    'That's one...'
  16. BBLoom

    BBLoom BBLoom

    A Lady is playing golf for her first time with a couple of her girlfriends. They didnt really tell her what to do so she steps up to the first tee, grabs the driver, and takes a swing. She slices terribly and it heads straigt for an adjacent tee box where a group of men are playing. Once she looks up, she sees a man swearing up and down, doubled over with his hands in his crotch. Feeling terrible, she runs over and says
    'Oh my goodness I am so sorry! Please let me help! I am a physical therapist!' After some pleading, the man agrees to which the young lady unzips the mans pants and starts to massage him. After a minute or two, she looks up at him and asks
    'How is that, does it feel better?'
    The man grinned back at her and said
    'That feels great! My thumb still hurts like hell though!
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  18. Pic ain't working mate
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  20. Not on my screen lol Sorry dude

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