I want a joke thread! Right MEOW!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Demon, Oct 23, 2011.

  1. Demon

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    post a silly joke. forum rules apply.

    Wife treats her husband by
    taking him to a strip club for his b 'day.
    * They get to the club*
    DOORMAN : Hey Jim! How r u? WIFE: How does he know u? JIM: We play Golf! BARTENDER: The usual Jim? JIM TO HIS WIFE: He's on the Darts Team!
    DANCER: The special again Jim? *The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. ...
    DRIVER :Hey Jimmy boy.....U picked an ugly one this time... ... Same Hotel?
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  3. klinger86

    klinger86 Moderator

    lol heard that one before cant remember where but still funny as hell
  4. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    A little boy asked his mom why do brides wear white? She told him it shows their purity. So he thinks about it and decides to ask his dad, why do brides wear white? His dad looks at him and tells him, "all your basic kitchen appliances come in white."
  5. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
  6. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    Alzheimers test

    The following Alzheimers test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a single mistake. The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

    1. This is this cat.

    2. This is is cat.

    3. This is how cat.

    4. This is to cat.

    5. This is keep cat.

    6. This is an cat.

    7. This is old cat.

    8. This is fart cat.

    9. This is busy cat.

    10. This is for cat.

    11. This is forty cat.

    12. This is seconds cat.

    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
  7. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each one wish." "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife.
    The fairy moved her magic wand and, in a flash of blinding light, two first class tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
    Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
    The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a deal is a deal, so the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and, in a flash of blinding light, the husband became 92 years old.
    The moral: Men might be ungrateful idiots, but fairies are... female.
  8. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    So then, A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City .

    The taxi driver, who happened to be Jewish, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

    "What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

    "I'm not staring at you lady; I am telling you, that would not be proper where I come from".

    "Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

    "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where in hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride."
  9. Brinker88

    Brinker88 Black sheep o' the family

    Little boy and little girl were in the tub together. Little girl looks down and says "Can I touch it?"

    Little boy goes "no, bitch, you already broke yours off!"
  10. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

    "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

    "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

    "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

    "Si, Senor, that's the one."

    "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

    "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

    "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

    "Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."

    "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

    "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

    "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

    "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

    "Are you insane? What water cart?"

    "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

    "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

    "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

    "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

    "Yes, Senor Rod."

    "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

    "For the funeral, Senor Rod."


    "Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wangi Exhibition Grade Stock.


    "Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep CRAP !!! "
  11. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    i saw that with a pic the other day laughed my ass off lol
  12. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

    The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two of them pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

    The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

    This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

    Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

    The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
  13. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    this is one of my favs

    Dinner Date

    A while back, when I was younger, I picked up my date at her parents' house.
    I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

    She ordered the most expensive items on the menu; shrimp cocktail, lobster and champagne.

    I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

    No"she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

    I said "Would you care for dessert?"
  14. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    My girlfriend got a tattoo of a sea shell on her hip last week and if you put your ear on it you can smell the ocean
  15. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'
    Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
    St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
    Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
    A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
    'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
    'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
    'Never,' said Bob.
    'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
    He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife scream, "BOB, wake up! You crapped the bed!"
  16. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    whats both the longest and shortest sentance in the english language ?
    I Do!
  17. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
    these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
    so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
    smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
    going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

    The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
    down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
    smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
    room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
    He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
    the same time.

    He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
    what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
    that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
    painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
    over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
    directions on the paint can and they said....
  18. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

    "It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

    "Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
  19. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    A man goes hunting and gets lost in the woods.

    Remembering the universal distress signal of fireing 3 shots, he fires 3 shots into the air and waits.

    After an hour he fires 3 more shots. Another hour goes by and still no one comes to help.

    Preparing for the next sequence he says to himself, “I hope somebody comes this time because these are my last three arrows.”
  20. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
    She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

    The teacher told him to go down to the principals office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

    Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his private parts hanging out.

    "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

    "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she would come and pick me up from school."
  21. OP

    Demon I take no prisoners!

    Saddam Hussein ☑ - Osama Bin Laden ☑ - Col. Gaddafi ☑ - Justin Bieber ☐

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